Dear Aaron I really appreciate BOTH articles expressing your experiences! As a straight woman, I have always felt that males and females are not so very different in our needs or emotions despite society s stereotyping of both sexes. Lucky to have grown up in the 60’s and 70’s when feminism sought equality for the sexes in terms of both being open honest with emotions and less stereotyping of each other as well as following one s own path wherever it led into economic equity, careers, families, sharing chores at home not based on one s sex but on needs talents interests and again equality. I think our society has regressed in these areas terribly. You are a human soul with the same emotional needs as anyone else but the unique perspective of having lived unconventionally as a woman who is gay as well as a transman. I hope you are able to confound the sexism of those who would slot you into stereotypes for either sex ; and find a partner who will love the wonderful caring sensitive and strong person that you are and meet your needs as well as their own in a loving partnership. Wishing you only good experiences and thank you for all you do to help girls in particular to accept themselves in their bodies as they are and grow into strong women like you. 🩷💕☮️☮️☮️💝
Aaron, thanks for sharing this. I’m often misgendered when people aren’t really looking and perceive my swagger in their peripheral vision (more when I was younger). I had a career in scientific research spanning 1969-2000 and had to navigate work environments more like locker rooms than institutions of higher learning. I learned to engage in shouting matches to get my point across. I often wondered what my career trajectory would have been if I had been male. I will continue to follow your journey with the utmost interest and with the hope that you find peace and get the emotional fulfillment you deserve.
It takes so much courage to do what you are doing. I appreciate the understanding and sensitivity with which you are proceeding. Thanks for returning to the land of lesbian feminism. We welcome you, my sister!
This is so profound: “Many years of unmet relational needs have weakened me internally as I’ve stood stoic and proud upon the grave of my needs as a woman.“
My child has been on testosterone for about two years now, and now has long hair, wears pink ribbons as shoelaces for their work boots, and occasionally paints their fingernails. i’m not sure exactly what to make of it. This post seems to fit in somehow. Perhaps C and her friends are pushing to be seen as fully human, not harassed for their boobs and “sexy” figures, yet not fully shut out of what it is to be female? I can empathize so much with that, and yet I have been concerned all along that a very masculinized appearance will make it harder for them to have the flexibility that they want. Your experience seems to suggest that this has been true for you and others you know. And yet I see you and my child both working this out with integrity and grace, and I am inclined to trust that this difficult thing that I don’t fully understand is manageable, and perhaps even brings its own gifts at times. thanks again for sharing your thoughts publicly.
“So I’ll say it for all of us. Not being fully human because of “gender” is really, really stupid. It does damage.” This part I really resonate with. 100%. The rest of what you shared is a real gift. I appreciate your willingness and ability to synthesize this and share it online. Thank you.
All good points. But if I may offer you some hope, it took a few years but I am recognized as female by people more often then male. It takes time because your body takes time to go back to a female shape. And I suspect that as I become comfortable being myself and not masking I was seen more as being a woman. Yes I’m called sir sometimes but I was before I took T as well.
I hope one day you can experience a relationship with a woman who sees you as a woman and treats you with the care and love we all need. It’s amazing.
So here is the deal Aaron, men are not valued for who they are, they are valued for what they are. Are they confident, are they handsome, are they successful etc. If you provide nothing you will not be valued and in some cases even acknowledged. This is hard but also very Meritocratic. AS A MAN YOU MUST EARN EVERYTHING. You must earn affection, respect, everything. This is the Male burden of performance. It is a burden every man lives and dies with. You get no days off. In society generally other Men will decide how respectable you are and women will decide how attractive you are combining to create your overall societal value. You may try to change this but it is very hard to change everyone else. Its much easier to accept your burden and work to change yourself into a more respectable, valuable human being. The male burden will make or break you, but if you are willing to earn it, you can be a great man. Nature prepares us for this. It gave us testosterone for drive, aggression, boldness and the physicality to win. Use it.
Brother, I don’t understand what is going on. You are a female socialized as a woman? Why the hell do have a beard and look like a man? I think I understood that you inject testosterone? Why do you it?
Dear Aaron I really appreciate BOTH articles expressing your experiences! As a straight woman, I have always felt that males and females are not so very different in our needs or emotions despite society s stereotyping of both sexes. Lucky to have grown up in the 60’s and 70’s when feminism sought equality for the sexes in terms of both being open honest with emotions and less stereotyping of each other as well as following one s own path wherever it led into economic equity, careers, families, sharing chores at home not based on one s sex but on needs talents interests and again equality. I think our society has regressed in these areas terribly. You are a human soul with the same emotional needs as anyone else but the unique perspective of having lived unconventionally as a woman who is gay as well as a transman. I hope you are able to confound the sexism of those who would slot you into stereotypes for either sex ; and find a partner who will love the wonderful caring sensitive and strong person that you are and meet your needs as well as their own in a loving partnership. Wishing you only good experiences and thank you for all you do to help girls in particular to accept themselves in their bodies as they are and grow into strong women like you. 🩷💕☮️☮️☮️💝
Aaron, thanks for sharing this. I’m often misgendered when people aren’t really looking and perceive my swagger in their peripheral vision (more when I was younger). I had a career in scientific research spanning 1969-2000 and had to navigate work environments more like locker rooms than institutions of higher learning. I learned to engage in shouting matches to get my point across. I often wondered what my career trajectory would have been if I had been male. I will continue to follow your journey with the utmost interest and with the hope that you find peace and get the emotional fulfillment you deserve.
It takes so much courage to do what you are doing. I appreciate the understanding and sensitivity with which you are proceeding. Thanks for returning to the land of lesbian feminism. We welcome you, my sister!
Thank-you. The welcome back means a lot to me. I had been very involved in lesbian feminism as a young woman. I haven’t forgotten.
This is so profound: “Many years of unmet relational needs have weakened me internally as I’ve stood stoic and proud upon the grave of my needs as a woman.“
My child has been on testosterone for about two years now, and now has long hair, wears pink ribbons as shoelaces for their work boots, and occasionally paints their fingernails. i’m not sure exactly what to make of it. This post seems to fit in somehow. Perhaps C and her friends are pushing to be seen as fully human, not harassed for their boobs and “sexy” figures, yet not fully shut out of what it is to be female? I can empathize so much with that, and yet I have been concerned all along that a very masculinized appearance will make it harder for them to have the flexibility that they want. Your experience seems to suggest that this has been true for you and others you know. And yet I see you and my child both working this out with integrity and grace, and I am inclined to trust that this difficult thing that I don’t fully understand is manageable, and perhaps even brings its own gifts at times. thanks again for sharing your thoughts publicly.
If you haven't done so already, I recommend you to check out this reddit https://www.reddit.com/r/FTMfemininity/
and an excellent post about it by Eliza Mondegreen to gain more insight into this trend.
https://elizamondegreen.substack.com/p/the-return-of-the-girly-girls
Thank-you for providing that resource
Thanks for sharing this Aaron. I understood your previous post on a very superficial level.
But now I understand that there are some human needs that go unmet because of appearance-based assumptions.
This was a powerful piece, Aaron. Thank you for sharing this. This somehow both shows and tells about the relational needs.... <3
Thank you, Aaron, for sharing these experiences with so much care, vulnerability and compassion. Deeply appreciate your insights.
“So I’ll say it for all of us. Not being fully human because of “gender” is really, really stupid. It does damage.” This part I really resonate with. 100%. The rest of what you shared is a real gift. I appreciate your willingness and ability to synthesize this and share it online. Thank you.
All good points. But if I may offer you some hope, it took a few years but I am recognized as female by people more often then male. It takes time because your body takes time to go back to a female shape. And I suspect that as I become comfortable being myself and not masking I was seen more as being a woman. Yes I’m called sir sometimes but I was before I took T as well.
I hope one day you can experience a relationship with a woman who sees you as a woman and treats you with the care and love we all need. It’s amazing.
So here is the deal Aaron, men are not valued for who they are, they are valued for what they are. Are they confident, are they handsome, are they successful etc. If you provide nothing you will not be valued and in some cases even acknowledged. This is hard but also very Meritocratic. AS A MAN YOU MUST EARN EVERYTHING. You must earn affection, respect, everything. This is the Male burden of performance. It is a burden every man lives and dies with. You get no days off. In society generally other Men will decide how respectable you are and women will decide how attractive you are combining to create your overall societal value. You may try to change this but it is very hard to change everyone else. Its much easier to accept your burden and work to change yourself into a more respectable, valuable human being. The male burden will make or break you, but if you are willing to earn it, you can be a great man. Nature prepares us for this. It gave us testosterone for drive, aggression, boldness and the physicality to win. Use it.
I can see this burden on men, and empathize. But, I don’t think it’s my burden to carry, as a woman. I’m dropping it.
Brother, I don’t understand what is going on. You are a female socialized as a woman? Why the hell do have a beard and look like a man? I think I understood that you inject testosterone? Why do you it?
Couldn’t you just have been normal?
Breathtaking honest and a unique perspective that teaches and likely can heal.